Another day closer to Christmas, another day I’m shocked at the injustice that I don’t wake up to a pile of presents EVERY day. Here’s part two of 25 things that I will accept as gifts. There’s still time, people!
Oversized shearling jacket, Acne
One of my absolute favourite Swedish exports (after ABBA and one of my best friends), since its founding in 1996, Acne has become a go-to for their jackets. The classic, shearling collar and pale pink biker jackets have all been a permanent fixture in my ‘how much money could I get if I sold my kidney?’ daydreams for the past few years. I love this oversized flight jacket, I generally always go for jackets at least one size up, I generally always wear bodycon skirts or skinny jeans so larger proportions on top balance this out. Also this looks warm enough that waiting for a night bus on New Years Eve won’t make me want to open a vein in the bath. Good times!
Religion shirt-dress, Topshop
I love a shirt dress. This collarless printed bad-boy ticks all the boxes. Oversized enough that you can layer underneath for winter, or avoid drowning in your own sweat in the summer, formal enough for work but comfortable enough for a hangover. The only thing I’m not mad about is the asymmetric drape hem, which I am already having premonitions of having to constantly fish out of the toilet/tube doors, but if you’re not an idiot like me, this Ann Demeulemeester-esque piece is defs a winner.
Givenchy spazzolato shoes, LN-CC
I’m generally very fussy when it comes to shoes. First rule, always boots. Any heel that isn’t wider than one inch causes ‘creative differences’ between me and gravity. Second rule, always black. No exceptions. I love the chunky heel on these, statement/metal heels have become a catwalk fixture for the past few seasons with the highstreet going particularly mad over them (I had a great pair pair from Zara with a silver chunky heel…obvz someone homeless is wearing them now after I left them on the nightbus…). I’ve mentioned before that I’m not the tallest tree in the forest, but the heel on these is just the right height for a confidence boost without making me feel like I’m in bad drag.
Messenger bag, Zara
Zara is somewhat renowned for its ‘interpretations’ of designer wear. The menswear in particular has taken a fair few Givenchy-print bullest to the face over the past few seasons, and the structured boxy shape of this bag is definitely reminiscent of Givenchy/Alexander Wang. Which isn’t a bad thing at all, especially when you don’t have £800+ spare change knocking around in your back pockets.
Peanut Butter PopTarts
I’m not sorry.
A non-tanline friendly Milla Jovovich as a proper little mental in Fifth Element
One of my favourite collections of his for a long time – Alexander Wang’s SS13 optical illusion mesh and leather monochrome cut-out pieces
Always a big player in the designer interpretation game, ASOS, £38
HAPPY FAKE FRIDAY! This is one of my favourite office friendly “I really want to go out and get proper para” looks, from Viktor and Rolf. The neutral colour palette blends in well with the walls in my office, there’s a cheeky flash of thigh for that ‘these shorts are really very desk-sex compatible’ look that I always favour on a Friday (it tends to distract from my counting-down-the-minutes facial expression). The ruffles also really hide the fact I have no tits, which sometimes gives me a very ladyboy-esque look on the whole, which is why the heels are so perfect. The gloves are also a favourite feature of mine as they save me getting 4am nightbus McDonalds under my nails. WIN WIN!
Here’s a rundown of this season’s 10 most booked catwalkers for AW13. Unsurprisingly, they’re all white, and it would seem that ‘blank canvas’ was very much the casting trend. A good turn for British models, with one girl in the top five (hay Sam), and also an amazing season for two of my favourite girls, Tilda Lindstam and Kel Markey. Tilda seems to be getting a fair bit of flak for taking the top spot, accusations of “basicness” are being thrown around (which seems ridiculous as compared to some of the others in the top 10 she’s basically Giselle), but in terms of fitting in with the theme this season she’s ‘plain’ enough to be versatile in any look, but she’s not a total no-mark, there’s definitely something special about her. She’s not classically beautiful, but she’s also not scary-quirky and there is definitely a place in fashion for “pretty” rather than DROP DEAD STUNNING girls. Look at the difference between Kate Moss compared to Naomi Campbell, for example, you can’t say they’re not both iconic looking, but for totally different reasons. It’ll be interesting to see how many campaigns the top 10 get, I’m really hoping Julia Nobis gets a few, I love an androgynous model and the fact that she’s not androgynous in an overtly sexual way (e.g Andrej Pejic, Erika Linder et al) could be really interesting for campaigns. Anyway, here’s the top 10 bitches cashing cheques this season.
10. Juliana Schurig, American, (DNA, Premier, Elite Milan & Paris) – 60 shows total, opened 2, closed 0
9. Caroline Brasch Nielsen, Danish, (Marilyn, Storm, Elite Milan & Paris) – 60, O4, C2
8. Julia Frauche, French, (Next WW) – 62, O1, C
7. Julia Nobis , Australian, (DNA, Premer, Elite Milan & Paris) – 62, O3, C7
After this morning’s kerfuffle with & Other Stories over their photo of a wantonly thin model, I thought I’d dig out this AW07 Dior Homme look. The drapery really flatters my pin thin silhouette, and is also perfect for wafting around the office leaving only a faint smell of vomit in my wake.
I’m just a tad hungover today, so comfort is my number one priority. This look is from Damir Doma’s AW11 collection. The loose fit of the top and trousers is also aiding ventilation of my vodka sweats. I can’t wait to go home and smash seven shades out of a pizza and when I’m inevitably covered in my four cheese feast later on, the stains won’t show up quite as badly what with this outfit being all black. I’ve got it all thought out!
Ahhh bonjour ma petite tasse! Regardez-vous ma blog post de Paris Fashion Week! As you can tell, I’m basically fluent in French, it’s one of my many talents. For those not as clever as me at French, here’s a round-up of the sartorial offerings from Paris Fashion Week.
STOP. BALMAIN TIME! An 80s wipe-clean wonderland, Balmain was every theatrical tin-foil fashion hope and more, we have Balmain in at my work all the time, can’t wait to try and shoe-horn myself into the amazing waistcoat outfit on the right, rip it, and be evicted because I can’t pay for it. ASPIRATIONAL!
Alexander Wang’s much anticipated first collection since his controversial appointment at Balenciaga. And it wasn’t horrible. It’s still very much Wang-esque (not a word I’ll use again, promise) but with undeniable Christobal influence. I liked it, it’s a nice return to the classic, clean Balenciaga, rather than the ultra modernism Ghesquiere brought with his metal leggings/Egyptofunk/riding hats etc, which I loved, but I don’t think Wang could have followed on from or replicated in the same vein without it looking like some kind of shit Project Runway ~modernism~ challenge.
I know leather panelling has been done over and over and over, but I want this, all of this, and variations of this, forever.
Really enjoying the Brave New World/Handmaid’s Tale minimal ~dystopian sexuality~ here, and how could I not love the wimple. I’m all about a wimple. I’m not ususally a huge fan of Mugler, but the simplicity, and the murky blue with crisp white, speaks to my inner future gimp.
Each season Givenchy is usually my go-to, but the disparity between the menswear (99% of the time, amazing) and the womenswear (67% of the time, amazing) starts to show more and more. I love the floral leather biker and the quilted bomber, super, but the random sequinned arm? The cheap ill-fitting mesh? The shiny polka-dots? This both confuses and upsets me.
These are my dream outfits until I’m thin enough to slip under my office door, rather than walking through it. Probably not very practical day to day (getting closed in bus doors, dropping Tesco Value lasagne down yourself, cycling – all trials I face daily) but commanding and beautiful all the same. I do miss the structured, body-con Pugh of olde, but a shift in silhouette hasn’t lost the dark drama he’s built his brand on.
I’m not ususally a fan of Valentino, not nearly enough black, leather or androgyny for me, but this china plate-esque collection has reminded me that I AM A GIRL, HERE ME SQUEAL!
Do you feel dizzy? Disorientated? It might be to do with Yves Saint Laurent spinning so hard in his grave that the Earth is turning faster than usual. #SOFTGRUNGELAURENT HAS STRUCK AGAIN. Hedi’s latest collection (and we know how much I enjoyed his last menswear offering) has been met with a resounding NON from critics, and rightly so. His access to the Topshop throw-out must be STOPPED.
This season marks Claire Wright Keller’s fourth at the helm of Chloe, and it’s definitely her best yet. Probably my favourite collection from Paris, simple and minimal with great tailoring and a perfect colour palette.
Who invented the tartan laundry bag? Has anyone got his email? He’s definitely been ripped off at Celine. Blatant plagiarism aside, Celine was it’s usual super self, a really nice palette and pleasing oversized yet tailored shapes (so excited to put on 15 stone before winter and be able to shop at Celine rather than Millets!).
Milan Fashion Week brought all of the expected opulence and excess it is famed for, interspersed with a heavy dose of Great Gatsby/Grey Gardens inspiration (which makes sense, as Prada are doing the costumes for the upcoming remake of the Great Gatsby) and tartan. In amongst this were the enduring themes of New York and London – leather, bomber jackets and masculine tailoring.
The stand out collection for me was Fausto Puglisi, who served up the kind of collection Ricardo Tisci might if he had an unlimited gift card for the John Lewis haberdashery. That might sound like a criticism, but I bloody love the John Lewis haberdashery. Despite a grammatically appalling website, definitely have a look if you’re not familiar with the brand, as this is only his second collection, so I’m imagining some really great things to come.
Here’s a selection of the best looks from MFW.